Sir we are completely surrounded!!!"
"Excellent now we can attack in EVERY direction!"

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
George S. Patton

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
Roseanne Barr

I have never met anyone who wasn't against war. Even Hitler and Mussolini were, according to themselves.
David Low

In the Soviet army it takes more courage to retreat than advance.
Joseph Stalin

If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

Cheer up. The worst is yet to come.
Mark Twain

Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.
Katherine Hepburn

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil.
Golda Meir

I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
G. K. Chesterton

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Albert Einstein

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
John Adams

"Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies."
-W. L. George

If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut

Albert Einstein


The Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.